im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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