its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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