I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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