New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i think my cat just said my name.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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