If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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