Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
