I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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