Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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