I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
