I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
