Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
