i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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