The maid of honor just puked.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
