batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
