bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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