I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
