God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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