woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
