He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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