omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
