im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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