I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
we're making bets on your personal life
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
