I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
