one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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