I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
