You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
