We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
