remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
