i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
