R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
