Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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