I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
