The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
