Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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