I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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