dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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