there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
