the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
