2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
