i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
