I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
