I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
