Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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