im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
