While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
