I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
