he puts the penis in happiness.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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