he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
