shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
