No stitches, just platelets and will power
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
